Guest Blog: The San Gabriel Crime Wave

Just in case you think I've been exaggerating the foibles of my life in courts in these bloggy rambles, I asked a friend of mine to guest here with his recent experience. Bill Collins tells his story in his own words:


Last week I tried a case involving a claim of prostitution.
Apparently, the good male citizens of San Gabriel are the victims of rampant acts of masturbation being performed upon them by female masseuses.

This came to the attention of the Chief of Police of the City of San Gabriel and he leaped into action by setting loose upon the unsuspecting massage parlors, the Special Enforcement Team.
This consisted of approximately eight detectives, and other members of the aforementioned police department who skillfully recorded the crime in progress. Part of that skill was knowing where to place the "wire" since the undercover was part of the "disrobing cadre" (defined as "Departmental approval to get naked").

Unfortunately for the jury, the voices on the CD were very difficult tjo understand, and for reasons known only to the police department, they used an English speaking officer to obtain an agreement to perform a lewd act for money from a Chinese speaking suspect. This, notwithstanding the fact they did have a Mandarin speaking officer in the department.

One thing that was very clear on the CD however was the exclamation of the undercover officer: "Oh God, Oh God!"
He explained to the jury I meant "Oh God, I have to go to the bathroom."

As I walked across the courtroom to engage this 6'2", 275 pound behemoth in cross-examination, I could barely miss stepping in the horseshit he had left strewn about the witness stand.

After an initial "good afternoon" we got down to the first question.
"Officer in your line of work isn't it helpful to be deceptive ? In other words, it's advantageous to be a good liar. Correct ?"
And so it went.
The U/C was not only huge, but was completely bald, with a goatee and mustache. He looked like he was from another planet, or perhaps from central casting for the role of a fat Emperor Ming in the Flash Gordon Serials.

The jury deadlocked at 6-6. The case will be dismissed at the next court appearance.

I am sure the citizens of San Gabriel sleep better knowing the scourge of unsolicited acts of masturbation have been excised from their community.

Did I mention the robbery and homicide rate in the community of San Gabriel ?